Should I write about the sadness and fear I feel?
Should I write about the peace and delight I feel?
I met a cat this week. I went to sit and visit with my neighbor down the street. The cat, a calico, was on the doorstep. She was demonstrably sweet and friendly. When I left, my neighbor said that it wasn't her cat, do you want it? Not really.
Nevertheless, Miss Cat followed me to my car and jumped right in. Well, okay, then. She loved on me and told me her name was Margaret. She realized we were moving as I drove back home on our country road. She didn't totally freak out--much too cool for that--but she did walk around the interior and checked windows and came back for my voice and my stroking. It was a only a 2 minute drive, but when we arrived at my house, she immediately and gratefully jumped out, definitely done with all that!
Margaret tried to squeeze in the door to come in the house, which I had to say no. Later, I opened the other door and she was there and tried to squeeze in, even as I slowly tried to close it and guide her away without hurting her. There was a strange and funny moment when she had one paw and her thin face pushed through the final thin opening. Hadn't given up hope. Persisting to the end.
I did bring some dry food out to the step and pour it out for her, which of course she devoured (she was thin).
Later in the day I didn't see her. Bye, Margaret . . .
Snapshots of my week:
I turned my bed around so that it faces the other way (after 8 years of the original position). It felt a little blasphemous, yet like I was released. I needed to put a major change in my life, and that counted.
Someone questioned my faith this week. Always fun. While I did communicate clearly to her that I wouldn't stand as her target (instead of just sulking and resenting her later), I also had to find that spot of me that is willing to leave a blessing with someone. Most of the time it's easy for me to do that; a few times I have to deliberately choose who I am going to be. I changed my tone. I did not return sarcasm and judgment. I just replied calmly and told her what I appreciated about her. Don't know if it landed for her, but I was grateful later to myself that I had answered peacefully. I also had to see if there was any truth or good about what she said that might help me, even if I didn't like her delivery. I don't know if I found anything, but thanks for at least looking, Jenn.
King Buddha (my new baby grandson) is smiling now. He's almost 2 months old. He's just amazing. Just that. My daughter-in-law is so good and texting me photos of him growing up several times a week; she is so thoughtful that way. Thank you, daughter-in-law!
My daughter cooked supper on Wednesday, small miracles, and her stuff always tastes better than mine.
The propane people forgot to come this month, but came this week after I called. That's the bad news. The good news is that I basically think we've been having miracle hot water for the past three weeks. It's happened before (also with things like car gas), but never quite that long! Sweet!
I got out my Christmas treat recipes to look through them for what I might do on the plates this year. Waaaay too early, I know. But I just was in the mood one crispy cool September evening and nothing else was calling for me. Cranberry fudge and eggnog poundcake anyone?
My son called me with heavy news and I had the opportunity to tell him I will always love him. I had a bad dream about another son. One of my sons needs a haircut really bad, but it's kind of in the standing up on his head stage, this thick glorious hair my sons have why in the heck do we cut it, bushy and messy and beautiful. But it's always on the mind: haircut, haircut, haircut. Ha ha. My other son--after we read scriptures at night--one of the sons does what is required and then goes back to what he was doing before; but my other one prolongs it, asks questions, talks about his thoughts. I bask in his growing heart and mind. It gets to be me listening to his soul.
But the one who is all business at night readings? Last Friday the boys went rock climbing, and later I found a tiny perfect sea shell (from the ocean that used to be here millions of years ago) on my desk and a post it note that said "Here is a spirit shell." I smiled all through my bones. He has heard me talk about "spirit rocks" and such (when I go on my hikes) and about several spirit objects I keep in the home; and I looooove that he had eyes to see and knew exactly which sea shell to pick up and that it told him what it was. And he heard. And knew he could share with me. He remembered what I would love.
Mmmmm. Dear God, hold my sons in Your Hand. My prayer cards in front of the Ganesh in my room have been blank for a while, but this week I felt to write about my sons on a card. I like that it is no longer blank. I like that the prayer will leave the card and swirl through the air of the room and from there to the universe and make ripples of love and change.
I smiled as I woke up today. This is not the first time it has happened, been happening occasionally over the past few weeks (but never before in my entire lifetime!). I think I was excited to go to the sunrise and then write to you (even though I didn't know what!). I think I felt like I wasn't in a hurry, that I could move like liquid and be doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. I went outside, the sun rays splashed gold in the clouds in the gentle morning light, and the rooster crowed. Exactly what I want to be doing.
I've been immersed in my Pinterest, trying to make it be a nice companion to this website. Endless avocado recipes, one sort of delight, ha ha. But it reminds me that I can't buy an avocado right now. Sigh. Next week, when the money comes. Right now, I make rice and beans. Thank you God for rice and beans. And Pinterest.
I'm preparing for a new opportunity. It's one of those that has feelings about it I haven't had to have for a while--actual preparation outside of my comfort zone, and the sense that a little (or a lot) of effort will bring a reward. But it involves others evaluating my performance, again haven't had to deal with that for a while. I'm scared? I'm excited? Ha ha.
My life is starting to be full of visits and phone calls with other women. I love it. A new friend invited me to her house for lunch on Monday. Wednesday, I went next door to shoot the breeze with the sweetheart there. They both have tough rows to hoe. The first is brand new in town and trying to make friends, single after a traumatic divorce. The second is a long time caretaker to her husband. It's hard to imagine the sort of human-soul steel that is being forged in both instances.
But in the hours that I was there with them, we just laughed. Laughed at how tough life thinks it is, but how we found out we are even tougher. At the first woman's house, we sat in her chairs and saw the view from her tiny RV on a hill. She's living in an RV, but has a view an emperor would pay for. So is life bad? Or good? Ha ha, yea. With the second woman, we also sat outside in chairs on the green lawn while the wind tussled our hair. The gorgeous white peacocks from the farm next door wandered over and joined the chickens, and they all walked around us. Ha ha ha.
There's more, but you get the idea. Sad, scared, peaceful, delighted . . . can't wait til next week.