If you know my story, you know that I spent over two decades struggling with massive amounts of emotional pain and other fun stuff like depression, anxiety and, oh, so much more. Due to the massive nature of my challenges, I often felt that life was not worth living. Now, I had overcome my suicidal experiences early on in the struggle. I had made a commitment to remain alive, at least physically. But when I woke up each day, I saw the world as a pretty bleak place.
This mindset got worse as the years went on. After many years I still wasn't "better" like I had wanted and worked to be. I thought I should have come farther after so much effort on my part to heal. My life wasn't any life I wanted. Even when I deliberately practiced gratitude, I may have had some peaceful moments, but it didn't seem long until I was back in my suffering.
This perception on my part was mostly unconscious. Last year or so, I sat quietly with myself. I tried to examine myself as deeply as possible to understand the state of my beliefs. I discovered that life held no value for me.
I realized further that this was a decision I was making and living. I had decided that life as it was, was not valuable. It was not worth my respect. It was not worth my embrace. It was not worth me.
And here is the straight up part: that is really judgmental and downright rude.
I kept waiting for life to come to a certain condition of unnameable perfection before I offered blessings from Jennifer upon it. I had no blessing to give (my) life. Only condemnation. There was no way I was going to give myself fully to this life.
I realized I was a person who was willing to place no value on the people, processes, circumstances, goods and activities of (my personal) life.
Oohhhhh . . . . hmmmmmm.
When I saw that plainly, I also saw how plainly foolish it was to judge so harshly.
I didn't want to be that person.
I also saw that I didn't have to be. I made a new decision. I gave myself permission to place value and offer my blessing on my life and the things in it. I became willing to find worth in living.
I didn't have to wait any longer for any perfection (what a long wait!). I could prize the various parts of my life now. I saw that choosing to believe that life is worth living was a gift that I was willing to give (instead of waiting for the feeling of worth to be a gift given to me).
I love this new point of view. It has freed me from being at the mercy of a world that cannot be controlled (of course!). Rather, I am responsible for my mercy that I extend for my self and my surroundings. I am allowed to be alive and living and to cherish my experiences, no matter what life looks or feels like.
Life is worth living.